


and this is the wonder that keeps the stars apart

by totallykawaii



Series: Nights Like These [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flashbacks, Gender Dysphoria, I finally wrote it, I got creative, M/M, Pansexual Kuroo Tetsurou, Poetry, Trans Kozume Kenma, e.e. cummings - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 12:09:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15485436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/totallykawaii/pseuds/totallykawaii
Summary: Kenma felt a sob bubble up from the depths of him. It pushed and pulled and tore at his throat while he slammed through the underbrush. Underbrush? Kenma stopped for a moment and looked around. He was in the woods, and how far he had gone he didn’t know.“Kenma!”His head snapped around at the familiar lilt of Kuroo’s voice. Keep going, keep going,





	and this is the wonder that keeps the stars apart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [un_something](https://archiveofourown.org/users/un_something/gifts).



> the title is from the poem by e.e. cummings and the ending poem is also! Poem 1 is: 
> 
> “and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart, i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart) 
> 
> link is here for the full thing!
> 
> https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/49493/i-carry-your-heart-with-mei-carry-it-in
> 
> thank you for those comments that made me continue and thank you for all the people that are sticking with this series! a special thank you to @un_something for being the delightful creature they are!
> 
> lots and lots of love and soft hugs!  
> author-chan

**KENMA** ran and ran. His feet pounded the earth, his heart keeping time with them. _Thump. Thump. Thump._

His brain was rewinding, rewinding, rewind---

 

* * *

  ** _{ 1 }_**

 

**Kaori smiled purely out of fear. She breathed out heavily and tried to pay attention, but the walls were crushing her. God, not now. Please not now.**

 

**“Kaori?”**

 

**Her name sent a shiver like melting ice down her back as she turned.**

 

**“Ushijima.”**

 

**The name rang with love and relief as she saw a face she knew. He looked down at her, concern painted over his face.**

 

**“Are you-? I just thought maybe-,” he said, scratching the back of his neck.**

 

**“No! No. That--you did well.”**

 

**He blushed. Kaori watched him for a moment. Appreciated the cut of his jaw, the way his eyes glittered as the light from the chandelier above sparkled and popped. He was beautiful.**

 

**“Kaori?”**

 

 **She blinked and smiled.** **_Not right,_ ** **a voice whispered,** **_that’s not right!_ ** **She shook her head, as if dislodging a piece of invisible debris.**

 

**“Yeah. I’m fine. Thank**

**You.”**

**_Not right. Not right. Not right._ **

* * *

 

  ** _{ present }_**

Kenma felt a sob bubble up from the depths of him. It pushed and pulled and tore at his throat while he slammed through the underbrush. Underbrush? Kenma stopped for a moment and looked around. He was in the woods, and how far he had gone he didn’t know.

“Kenma!”

His head snapped around at the familiar lilt of Kuroo’s voice. _Keep going, keep going, keep ---_

 

* * *

 

  ** _{ 2 }_**

**“You’re GOING?”**

 

**Kaori winced and huddled away from Ushijima. His eyes flashed as he followed the movement.**

 

**“Yes, I-I want to.”**

 

**Ushijima pinched the bridge of his nose and paced around his bed. Kaori counted the steps silently in her head. 1. 2. 3. 4.**

 

**“Kaori. I can’t go, so why would you?”**

 

 **5**. **6\. 7. 8.**

 

**“I am my own person without you, Ushijima,” Kaori said, her tone even and cold.**

 

**Ushijima stopped moving.**

 

**“You are not some chemical that I need in my bloodstream.”**

 

**Ushijima spun around and cupped Kaori’s face. She looked at him, eyes like pools of molten honey. He stroked her freckles, kissed her forehead.**

 

**“I’m sorry, Princess.”**

 

 **_Prince._ ** **That voice again.**

 

**_Prince. Prince. Prince._ **

**“I know. It’s**

**Okay.”**

**_You wear the wrong crown. Prince. Prince._ **

* * *

 

  ** _{ present }_**

“Kenma! Kitten, wait!”

Kenma pushed his body. Faster. More. Faster. He didn’t know where he was headed and didn’t care at the moment. He just needed to get away. To get away from the pity on Kuroo’s face. The pity. The disgusting pity that was absent from Ushijima’s face. _Absent. Absent. Absent._

 

* * *

 

  ** _{ 3 }_**

 

**“What I’m lacking, Kaori,” he spat, “is understanding!”**

 

 **Kenma--- that felt** **_better. It was right now._ ** **\--- groaned in frustration.**

 

**“Ushijima. I’m not Kaori anymore. I can’t be. I-I’m not supposed to be.”**

 

**Ushijima snarled at the statement and stood in front of Kenma.**

 

**“That’s. Not. True!”**

 

**Kenma felt the old him cower and shake, but he pushed forward.**

 

**“Yes. It. Is. You are not me;you never will be! Stop taking my thoughts and twisting them.”**

 

**Ushijima laughed, hollow and empty like the space between them.**

 

**“You are insane! You are a girl, Kaori! A girl!”**

 

 **The words painted a black stripe over Kenma’s vision.** **_No,_ ** **the voice moaned.** **_No. No. No. NO! KENMA. KENMA IS MY NAME._ ** **Kenma’s head was pulsing with the words. It was a dull roar in the back of his mind.**

 

**“No. No I am not.”**

 

**Kenma reached for Ushijima who pulled away in--- disgust. That’s what it was. Disgust.**

 

**“Please, Ushi. Please.”**

 

**Ushijima shook his head slowly.**

 

**“Kaori. Kaori.”**

 

 **He mumbled it as if it would bring her back from the ashes. As if the ground would split and she would appear, risen anew. But she was gone. He was here.** **_He_ ** **was here.**

 

**Kenma was here. He wasn’t going to change. Not for Ushijima. Not for anyone.**

 

**“Ushi,” Kenma tried it one more time.**

 

**Ushijima sat on the floor and curled away from Kenma.**

 

**“Kaori.”**

 

**Kenma straightened up and grabbed his suitcase. He had tried before to talk to Ushijima. But Semi had told him to pack a suitcase with his things. In case.**

 

**He realized as he turned away, that he had been hoping that Ushijima would listen. That he would stop being the raging tide of fire that burned Kenma everytime that he tried to talk. To explain.**

 

**To fight.**

 

**He hesitated, looked back at his former lover,  and he walked away. He made his feet move. He moved one step more. One step more towards his freedom.**

 

**One more step away.**

 

 **He stopped as he passed Semi’s door. Who had helped. Who had** **_seen._ ** **He smiled softly, tears making tracks on his face as they fell. He pressed a hand gently on Semi’s door, pushed it open and was met with his sleeping form.**

 

**Kenma walked into the room and placed his handheld on the floor. Then he whispered,**

 

**“Thank you.”**

 

**Kenma closed the door, stepped away and walked out. A sob ripped through his exhausted body. He got out his phone, the screen blurring as his mind wept for what they had had. What they had lost. What they didn’t want back.**

 

**“H-Hina? I just---,” Kenma cried as Hinata’s sunshine voice broke through to him.**

 

**“KENMA? KENMA,WHAT’S WRONG? KENMA?”**

 

**Kenma’s weeping abided a bit.**

 

**“Can you- can you please just come get me? Please?”**

 

**/ ~ \**

 

**Semi woke to the loud silence of  heartbreak. He swung his legs over the side of his bed and knocked his foot on something.**

 

**He looked down and saw a light blue handheld. As he leaned down to pick it up, he glimpsed the note on top of it.**

 

**In curling script it read,**

 

**I couldn’t. I love you.**

**Thank you. 467-312-8879**

 

**_Kenma. Kenma. Kenma is who i am now. Kenma. Kenma. Kenma._ **

****

**_This is me now._ **

 

* * *

 

  **{ present }**

 

Kenma finally stopped. He turned and watched Kuroo approach. His gorgeous black hair was mused and he was winded.

 

“Kitten! Kenma, I-”

 

Kenma stepped toward him and pressed one long finger to Kuroo’s lips. Kuroo stopped talking and watched Kenma’s face.

 

“Does it?”

 

Kuroo kissed the tips of Kenma’s fingers and softly murmured,

 

“Does it what?”

 

Kenma paused, millions of answers flying through his head. Did it change the way Kuroo thought of him? Did it disgust him? Did it stop whatever progress had been happening?

 

“Does it matter?”

 

Kuroo looked him in the eye.

 

“No. It never will.”

 

Kenma smiled and traced the contours of Kuroo’s face.

 

“Someone asked me what home was and all I could think of were the stars on the tip of your tongue,” Kenma kissed the corner of Kuroo’s mouth at that part.

 

“The flowers sprouting from your mouth, the roots entwined in the gaps between your fingers,” Kenma brushed his lips against the other corner of Kuroo’s lips.

 

“The ocean echoing inside of your ribcage.”

 

He pressed their lips together, tongues languidly becoming familiar with each other, as the last line of the poem fell from his tongue.

 

“Did you write that?” Kuroo breathed as they parted.

 

“No,” Kenma laughed. “E.E.Cummings did. He’s my favorite poet.”

 

Kuroo grinned and stared into Kenma’s honey-like eyes.

 

“Well, this is less poetic, but you give me more of an adrenaline rush than racing does.”

 

Kenma smiled and murmured,

 

“I know.”

 

_I know who I am. We are here now._

 

_We will not go._

 

_I will not let go._

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Sorry that spacing is weird! But I liked it that! 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! Comment below and tell me what you thought!
> 
> Much love 
> 
> ~ author - chan


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